Saturday, November 20, 2010

Many steps forward and a few back...

I need to confess something, I need to get this off my chest. I have been struggling lately. For the past 3 months I have been constantly fighting with myself, inside my head it feels like a war is going on. Its me verse FOOD. I am sad to say that I have been binge eating again. I don't know why I get these urges but they are always there. For the past year and half I have been able to control them for the most part but lately its seems like I have a losing record.

Binge eating is hard to explain, honestly its hard for me to even admit to myself that I do it. Its mentally exhausting trying to fight them off, it hardest thing I have ever been through. Food can be an extremely powerful drug. While I am binging I find myself asking "why am I doing this" but that doesn't stop me from finishing the food. I really don't know why I do it. I haven't really been stressed out or anything, things have actually been good. I personally think that I have been doing it so long that my body thinks its normal. 

I knew I needed to talk about it with someone so I decided to confess to my RD last week. When I got to my appointment I weighed in and she was kind of puzzled by the number. It was a significant  gain. I was honest with her and told her what was going on, I could feel my eyes watering up and I really had to fight back the tears. She was really so understanding and really helped me realize that I wasn't alone in this. We discussed the binges and she gave me some ideas on how I can work through the urges. I was really proud of myself for telling her everything, this isn't exactly the easiest thing to talk about and most people wont understand it anyways. 

So after taking many steps forward I have taken a few back. When I weighed in last week at my RD's office the scale said 409 lbs, that's a gain of 22 lbs in the last 3 months. I remember after I broke into the 300's I said never again! Well it happen again and that's ok. I haven't given up and I am not sad, upset or depressed about all of this. The tone for this post is positive. I just wanted to share, I feel like telling the whole world will help me get through this. Its just one of the curves in this long windy and somewhat bumpy road!

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Never know where you're going until you know where you've been...

So on Saturday I turned the big 30! Hard to believe right? (just agree with me!) Now I have never been big on birthdays but this one really meant something to me. This birthday was the first one in a long time in which I felt like I was on the right path in my life. I actually feel like I am in control of the direction I go from here. I can stay on the right path or veer off and make a u-turn towards the dead end road that I don't want to drive down. I am more aware of my inner workings than I have ever been. I can admit to myself when I fail and I can applaud myself when I succeed. When I do I fail I choose not to beat myself up because ultimately that only keeps me down longer. I think being aware of your short comings and being able to rationally "discuss" them with yourself is a big deal, at least for me it is. I spent so many years of my life lying to myself, disguising my actions,  and burying my feelings deep inside where even I couldn't reach them.

I am done with that way of living. I didn't reach all the goals that I had set for myself for when I turned 30. First of all I always thought I'd be married with kids by now, which is kind of hard to do when you don't let people in. I know the my weight has a lot to do with that and I know I will work past it, when the right time comes it will happen.

Career wise I thought I would be a little farther than where I am now but that was totally out of my control. Spending 14 months out of work will put a lot of things into perspective about everything in your life and my career goals have changed because of that and I am confident I will reach the goals I have set for myself. I am happy with my new job and I really enjoy the people I work with.

Health wise I reached some of my goals and I have laid a strong foundation to reach the rest of them. When I decided I wanted to lose weight in May 2009 I had set the goal that I wanted to be 320 pounds by my 30th birthday. I didn't reach that goal and thats ok. I know I will reach it and actually I will reach way beyond it! One thing I did do was rid myself of sleep apnea. Well a doctor hasn't told me this but I know its gone, my body knows it. I feel great health wise. I surely don't feel 30 years old and in my opinion I don't  look it.

I am declaring this my breakout year!!  I expect many great things from myself and I cant wait to see what unfolds. I have so much support in my life that I have no option but to succeed. The funny thing is I have never met most of the people who have made such a huge difference in my life and who have supported me beyond imagination. I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and I hope our paths cross one day. Because of you I promise I will do my best to always pay it forward.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Its that time again!!

So if you haven't heard I am taking another shot at the Couch to 5k running program!! I will be sharing my journey this time via  @Rita_Barry's blog FitBlogger.

Check out my introductory post!

Oh and my partner in crime who will be sharing her C25K experience also is @BigGirlBombshell and you can find her blog here and her introductory post here!