Saturday, November 20, 2010

Many steps forward and a few back...

I need to confess something, I need to get this off my chest. I have been struggling lately. For the past 3 months I have been constantly fighting with myself, inside my head it feels like a war is going on. Its me verse FOOD. I am sad to say that I have been binge eating again. I don't know why I get these urges but they are always there. For the past year and half I have been able to control them for the most part but lately its seems like I have a losing record.

Binge eating is hard to explain, honestly its hard for me to even admit to myself that I do it. Its mentally exhausting trying to fight them off, it hardest thing I have ever been through. Food can be an extremely powerful drug. While I am binging I find myself asking "why am I doing this" but that doesn't stop me from finishing the food. I really don't know why I do it. I haven't really been stressed out or anything, things have actually been good. I personally think that I have been doing it so long that my body thinks its normal. 

I knew I needed to talk about it with someone so I decided to confess to my RD last week. When I got to my appointment I weighed in and she was kind of puzzled by the number. It was a significant  gain. I was honest with her and told her what was going on, I could feel my eyes watering up and I really had to fight back the tears. She was really so understanding and really helped me realize that I wasn't alone in this. We discussed the binges and she gave me some ideas on how I can work through the urges. I was really proud of myself for telling her everything, this isn't exactly the easiest thing to talk about and most people wont understand it anyways. 

So after taking many steps forward I have taken a few back. When I weighed in last week at my RD's office the scale said 409 lbs, that's a gain of 22 lbs in the last 3 months. I remember after I broke into the 300's I said never again! Well it happen again and that's ok. I haven't given up and I am not sad, upset or depressed about all of this. The tone for this post is positive. I just wanted to share, I feel like telling the whole world will help me get through this. Its just one of the curves in this long windy and somewhat bumpy road!


15 comments:

Paula said...

You're a strong man Alan. I admire you very much. We are all here to support you! We have set backs but it's how we come back from them.

Pickering Mike said...

Hey Alan, you're definitely not alone in this. Last year I had made it down to 240 from 370 (over almost 2 years). I'm now back up to 320 for the same reason and am struggling to get it back under control. I would love to hear about some of the ideas you are pursuing.

BTW, you are strong and I think you've made quite the accomplishment both by how far you've come and by sharing it with the world.

Dawn said...

You got through a roadblock by talking it out with your RD and posting it here. It's important to now focus on your health and working towards the non-destructive behavior.

We are all here for you.

Chris McKinley said...

I've been doing it to often myself, like you said food is a powerful drug.

Jules - Big Girl Bombshell said...

Alan..yes..first step admitting the secret..it takes some of the power away. And binge eating..that is a powerful adversary. I found for me.. the binges come when the disconnect from my body arrives.. that is what I have worked on more than anything to pay attention to my body...not necessarily the food....just what has worked for me...

Mel Edwards said...

October was my month of treading water -- more up than down-- but what got me back on track was doing a 5k and really sucking wind the whole time. Maybe doing something like that could help you refocus and remind yourself where you want to be? Either way, Alan, you are NOT alone, the journey is long and you can do this. We're with you all the way, also having our own setbacks, so we understand completely!

Mike said...

every project, life change and habit break has it steps forward and its steps back, its part of breaking the bad. You can do this! You've made so much progress, this is just one of the bumps in the road.

Ragemichelle said...

You hit a bump. Just keep looking forward. What's done is done, all you can do now is keep moving forward.

I truly DO understand what you are going through. I've had many times over the past five months where I have abandoned all the good changes I've made. This time? Instead of giving up for good, I just jumped back on track. It's not easy and the problem isn't with what I ate or the times I didn't exercise. The problem is with the hateful girl in me who works SO hard to convince me that I've failed and I might as well give up.

I don't like her.

I KNOW you can kick this in the ass. Glad you wrote about it, too. I think these types of posts help keep us honest.

I hope you have a WONDERFUL day!

ernise said...

Kudos to you for facing and acknowledging the issue. That, many times, is the hardest step to overcoming the issue. So glad you did so!

Looking forward to hearing more about successfully getting back into the groove.

Karen said...

I have regained more times than I remember. I am still struggling. I think you will find a lot of people out here who can understand and empathize. What I love is that you are being positive about this. Good for you:)

Joe said...

Personally my weight has gone up and down my whole life. I've dropped 60 pounds only to gain it back. I guess the best thing that we all can do is to never quit trying.

♥ Shrinking Kenz ♥ said...

This has been an issue for me too lately, especially last night and tonight...like more than ever since I started losing weight. I'm so glad I read this precisely when I did because I know we can both control this and both go forward. Go for it babes!

GeminiMel said...

It is a suuuuuuuuper tough battle and it gets even worse during the holidays. At least it does for me. But, nothing about the past can be changed. All you can do is start each day fresh. Some days are definitely harder than others. For me, the one thing that works is trying to figure out what triggers my binging - whether it's stress from work, the socializing aspect or something else; if I can find out what triggers it, I can do a better job at controlling it. A lot of people don't understand that weight loss and maintenance is a constant struggle. But, I can definitely attest for it being a beautiful struggle. Just think of how empowered you felt accomplishing that first milestone. And, instead of feeling bad about this minor setback, use it to be the catalyst that propels you forward to knocking out even more of your goals. You got it! And most importantly, don't feel like you're ever alone. One of the beautiful things sometimes is allowing others in your life to help lift you back up when you've fallen. I know how hard this struggle is and I still admire your strength and perseverance - nothing has changed.

Pam said...

Thanks for sharing, Alan. You should feel proud for opening up and sharing this. We're all cheering you on, and this is a great avenue to vent, and even feel accountable to us. You've become so much healthier, you've found a great gym, and now you're focused and ready to find those footprints in the "forward" and go beyond that. Keep on, keeping on. We're here for you!

gretablau said...

Totally - just getting it out will help. Makes you all that much more lovable that you are being honest.

Hang in there, dude.