Monday, April 25, 2011

Zoo trip and so much more...

So around 8 am Saturday morning my sister called me and randomly asked if I wanted to go to the zoo with her, my brother in law, and nephew. I said YES, I love the zoo. So I got up and got dressed and off
we were on our hour and half drive to the zoo. So fast forward we got to the zoo and had to wait in line for about 20 minutes to get in, it way a busy day for them.  Once we got in we started walked around and looking at the different animals. The weather wasn't too bad, it was kinda hot but nothing crazy.

As I was walking around I began to think about my trip to the zoo last year. I had a horrible time physically, I felt so sluggish, my feet hurt, I dreaded all the hills, and I was literally counting down the minutes until it was time to leave. This time was different, I had a little extra pep in my step. I was actually enjoying the walk around the zoo and I actually ENJOYED the hills! I didn't feel tired at all and my feet didn't hurt or feel swollen. In fact I pushed my nephew in his stroller around most of the day because my sister and brother in law were too tired! Now mind you I am still a 400 lb man but it was very obvious that my fitness level has changed in the last year, in a positive way.

 I also noticed as I walked around the people who were half my size, my size, and also bigger than me that were huffing and puffing on the hills and forced to take breaks in between animal exhibits. Now I am in no way judging anyone, I been there and I know what its like, it was just something I observed. Its just felt good to see some positive effects of all the hard work I have put into my health in the last year or so. At the same time it gave me some inspiration to keep pushing myself to the next level. It was one of those non scale victories!

I also witnessed something else at the zoo that day that was truly amazing. It has nothing to do with me or my quest for health. While we were waiting to get into the zoo there was a Caucasian couple in front of us, probably in their late twenties. They had a stroller with them and I thought nothing of it until the baby started to cry and the woman picked her up to comfort her. The thing that I noticed almost instantly was that the little girl was African American, she was an amazingly beautiful little girl. The only reason I mention race was because it was apparent that the little girl wasn't their natural born and I am assuming she is/was adopted. So I stood their and watched this Mother hold her baby, it was so so so very obvious she loved her more than anything in this world. I could literally feel the connection and the love that this couple had for their child. Witnessing this was the best part of my day. In today's day and age you sometimes question if humanity still exists. Witnessing a beautiful act like I witnessed on that day restores my faith in humanity, which we all need from time to time. In my opinion there is nothing more selfless in this world than opening your home and heart to a child. I have always told myself that I will adopt a child one day, its just something that I need to do and I hope I get that opportunity to change a strangers life.

Anyways that's all I got for today. I'll post a couple silly pictures that I took at the zoo! Enjoy!

My Nephew and Me :)

Me Fighting A Giraffe!!!

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Its my life and I cry if I want to...

I'm usually the positive person. I usually take the hits and keep moving forward. I usually am the one who steps up and takes the lead.I usually try to find the good things in a situation and use them to lift the me and the people around me up. I usually don't let anyone or thing get in my way. Tonight I don't want to be that person. Tonight I want to be negative. Tonight I don't want to lead, I want to be lead. Tonight I want to see the bad things. Tonight I want to cry...

Today started out like any normal day. Went to work and had a pretty good day. I left work and decided I wanted to get a haircut and do some shopping. While shopping my Mom called to see how I was. During our conversation she asked me what was wrong with me lately. I told her nothing. "She said no, you have been acting different for months now, you are distant, not vocal, you're just not yourself". The truth is I have been all those things lately and I told her that somethings were bothering me and they involved her. I told her we would speak in person when I saw her. I finished my shopping and left the store and as soon I got in my car tears started rolling down my face. I drove around for an hour and just cried.

Truth is months ago my Mom brought back alot painful memories for me, I know it wasn't on purpose. We were at the gym walking on the treadmills and we started to talk about my Dad and I told her I was stubborn like my Dad and that I really wasn't ashamed of it. *Inside I was happy to share this trait with my Dad only because I loved him so much and my stubbornness constantly reminded me of him* Well as soon as I said that my Mother was like NO, you are not like that, your Father wasn't a good person. *Inside I want to scream at her. Why would she say that to me? She knows my Father meant the world to me and that losing him killed a part of me. Nobody is perfect. My Father wasn't and my Mother certainly wasn't either. I wanted to to tell her that my Father was no worse than anyone in her Family. That if she wanted to say my Father wasn't a good person then she would have to admit that all her brothers , parents, and Husband weren't either. Inside I am thinking when will I stop paying the price for my parents divorce. When will my feelings  be taken into consideration. As a child all I wanted was both my parents love, and as a Adult all I want is the ability to remember or talk about my parents without being ripped for it. Shouldn't parents be able to put aside their differences for their kids?!?!* I didn't say anything at all after she said that. I just walked on the treadmill holding back my pain.

From that day things haven't been the same between my Mom and me. Since that day I haven't been the same person. I have found that I am still very mad at both my parents. I am still mad at them for their divorce. I am mad at them for how they handled their divorce. I am mad at them for never putting me first. My whole life they have always chosen what was best for them. I don't feel like I had parents, I feel like I raised myself. I am mad they never stopped me from eating myself into a 400 lb body. I am mad they chose their spouses over my well being. I am mad they couldn't be civil for the sake of their kids. I am mad they always made me choose one of them over the other. I am mad that I was forced to grow up without guidance.I am mad that I had to make every mistake on my own without warning. I am mad that I don't have my Dad anymore and even more I am mad at myself for being mad at him. I am mad that I am too scared to love anyone because I don't want to get hurt or hurt them. 

I am tired of being mad inside, I am tired of the pain. I just want a normal life. I am going to tell my Mom how I feel this weekend. I don't want her to feel bad or guilty, thats the last thing I want. I want her to choose me first for once. I just want acknowledgment of my feelings and the pain I feel. I just want her to say I am sorry for not being there for you.  I would ask the same of my Dad if he was still here. I want her to say its ok if I talk about my Dad.  I just want to let all of these feelings out because I cant keep them inside anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.

Thats all I have to say tonight.

*Also I want everyone to know my Parents aren't bad people, they just made mistakes like everyone does. An old friend once told me a symbolic story about a girl who left her Husband and went to her parents house because she didn't want to live with him anymore. The parents invited the Husband over so everyone could talk about the problems and try to work it out. The girl complained about many petty things but nothing worth leaving her Husband. Her Father walked over to her and asked her to stand up, she stood up and he ripped her shirt off in front of everyone and the girl ran and hide behind her Husband. Her Father asked why she ran and hide behind her Husband and she responded because he is my Husband. So if you comment on this post do not speak badly about my Parents because they are still my Parents and I love them dearly. Also please do not give me any pity, I rarely blog about the negatives in my life because I don't like bringing attention to myself with negative things,  I only wrote tonight because I needed a release*

I wanted to post this video because it best describes how I feel tonight. Today was a bad day and tomorrow is a new day. Good Night.

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Lost in the Shuffle....But not for long!

This weight loss thing can be down right confusing at times and crystal clear at others. There are days when I feel like I know exactly what I am doing and other days when I feel like I am lost. I'll be honest I haven't lost any substantial weight in months, I have been hovering between 400 - 410 lbs for what it seems forever. And yeah some of that has to do with my own self sabotage, I can admit that. But I also feel like I have gotten lost in the shuffle. Over the weekend I read  something that sort of struck a light bulb with me, an epiphany if you will. The first thing I read was something my good friend Janessa wrote on her tumblr page in which she said,

"(for the umpteenth time) you will NOT lose weight by joining a gym. A membership does not guarantee weight loss. A DIET (Did I Eat That?) doesn’t equate to fat loss. No magic trick can save you, if all you ever do is sabotage your efforts. 
I don’t care what potion, powder or pill you inject, sniff or slurp, you are not guaranteed results. The warning labels on the bottle blatantly inform you of such, clear as crystal.What many fail to overstand is that your mind is the engineer, your will is the mechanic and your heart is the engine. Your trainer, gym, DVD, exercise guru, gadget, supplement, internet resource, platform, forum, ________(fill in the blank) is just a key. And not all keys are calibrated to start all engines; you might have to try a few before the car will run. But ultimately, YOU were given this car and you have to drive it; funny shameful how many cars are in better condition than their owner’s body. But like any car, peak performance can only be attained by optimizing it efficiently in all terrain; manufactured to outlive the toughest of variables. weight loss begins in your mind."  

I read this over and over, not because I didn't understand it but because it what I needed to hear.  I started to analyze why I hadn't lost weight in the past 6 months. My quick answer is that I sabotaged myself.... alot. But my more in depth answer is that I got away from what was working for me. I stopped losing weight right about the same time I joined a new gym. Its a great gym, has amazing facilities, has plenty of different types of fitness classes. Its also where I got lost in the shuffle! For those who don't know I lost most of my first 80 lbs by lifting weights. That's right people, you heard me right, I dropped those 80 lbs by lifting weights. Did I do cardio? Of course  I did, but it was only a supplement to my weight training. I think when I joined my new gym about 6 months ago I got lost with all the new classes they offered. I stopped my lifting routine and started doing zumba, kickboxing, and a few select other classes. Now don't get me wrong these are great classes and I thoroughly enjoyed them, but they aren't the keys that my engine needs right now. Lots of people have lost alot of weight many different ways, not all methods work for everyone. For me I have to go back to my basics and do what worked for me. I'll still do a zumba class or kickboxing class occasionally but my focus will be on the weight training.

Lets do this!