I'm usually the positive person. I usually take the hits and keep moving forward. I usually am the one who steps up and takes the lead.I usually try to find the good things in a situation and use them to lift the me and the people around me up. I usually don't let anyone or thing get in my way. Tonight I don't want to be that person. Tonight I want to be negative. Tonight I don't want to lead, I want to be lead. Tonight I want to see the bad things. Tonight I want to cry...
Today started out like any normal day. Went to work and had a pretty good day. I left work and decided I wanted to get a haircut and do some shopping. While shopping my Mom called to see how I was. During our conversation she asked me what was wrong with me lately. I told her nothing. "She said no, you have been acting different for months now, you are distant, not vocal, you're just not yourself". The truth is I have been all those things lately and I told her that somethings were bothering me and they involved her. I told her we would speak in person when I saw her. I finished my shopping and left the store and as soon I got in my car tears started rolling down my face. I drove around for an hour and just cried.
Truth is months ago my Mom brought back alot painful memories for me, I know it wasn't on purpose. We were at the gym walking on the treadmills and we started to talk about my Dad and I told her I was stubborn like my Dad and that I really wasn't ashamed of it. *Inside I was happy to share this trait with my Dad only because I loved him so much and my stubbornness constantly reminded me of him* Well as soon as I said that my Mother was like NO, you are not like that, your Father wasn't a good person. *Inside I want to scream at her. Why would she say that to me? She knows my Father meant the world to me and that losing him killed a part of me. Nobody is perfect. My Father wasn't and my Mother certainly wasn't either. I wanted to to tell her that my Father was no worse than anyone in her Family. That if she wanted to say my Father wasn't a good person then she would have to admit that all her brothers , parents, and Husband weren't either. Inside I am thinking when will I stop paying the price for my parents divorce. When will my feelings be taken into consideration. As a child all I wanted was both my parents love, and as a Adult all I want is the ability to remember or talk about my parents without being ripped for it. Shouldn't parents be able to put aside their differences for their kids?!?!* I didn't say anything at all after she said that. I just walked on the treadmill holding back my pain.
From that day things haven't been the same between my Mom and me. Since that day I haven't been the same person. I have found that I am still very mad at both my parents. I am still mad at them for their divorce. I am mad at them for how they handled their divorce. I am mad at them for never putting me first. My whole life they have always chosen what was best for them. I don't feel like I had parents, I feel like I raised myself. I am mad they never stopped me from eating myself into a 400 lb body. I am mad they chose their spouses over my well being. I am mad they couldn't be civil for the sake of their kids. I am mad they always made me choose one of them over the other. I am mad that I was forced to grow up without guidance.I am mad that I had to make every mistake on my own without warning. I am mad that I don't have my Dad anymore and even more I am mad at myself for being mad at him. I am mad that I am too scared to love anyone because I don't want to get hurt or hurt them.
I am tired of being mad inside, I am tired of the pain. I just want a normal life. I am going to tell my Mom how I feel this weekend. I don't want her to feel bad or guilty, thats the last thing I want. I want her to choose me first for once. I just want acknowledgment of my feelings and the pain I feel. I just want her to say I am sorry for not being there for you. I would ask the same of my Dad if he was still here. I want her to say its ok if I talk about my Dad. I just want to let all of these feelings out because I cant keep them inside anymore. I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore.
Thats all I have to say tonight.
*Also I want everyone to know my Parents aren't bad people, they just made mistakes like everyone does. An old friend once told me a symbolic story about a girl who left her Husband and went to her parents house because she didn't want to live with him anymore. The parents invited the Husband over so everyone could talk about the problems and try to work it out. The girl complained about many petty things but nothing worth leaving her Husband. Her Father walked over to her and asked her to stand up, she stood up and he ripped her shirt off in front of everyone and the girl ran and hide behind her Husband. Her Father asked why she ran and hide behind her Husband and she responded because he is my Husband. So if you comment on this post do not speak badly about my Parents because they are still my Parents and I love them dearly. Also please do not give me any pity, I rarely blog about the negatives in my life because I don't like bringing attention to myself with negative things, I only wrote tonight because I needed a release*
I wanted to post this video because it best describes how I feel tonight. Today was a bad day and tomorrow is a new day. Good Night.